Chapter 2: Compassion For The Child

A story I always share with others is that of a simple one. I was walking past a playground on my way to work when I noticed a small girl running around, getting really over-excited, and boisterous. Her mother, keeping a watchful eye on her daughter, told her repeatedly not to run around or she could hurt herself. Each time mum said this, her voice got louder and her tone forceful.

A second or two later, crash. The daughter falls to the floor and everything seems to stand still. She makes this face stuck in anguish before seconds later releasing an almighty scream. Her mum runs over and screams at her for not listening and following instructions—mum’s face riddled with anger. The child’s fall was a loud one, enough to send fear into the hearts of all that saw it but for her mum, she could only share how angry and upset she was with her for causing that fall and not following instructions.

Now I’m sure down the line, once the situation had passed and both mum and child had calmed down, mum would have resumed nurturing her and maybe even have explained the importance of listening to her and the fear she had when she got hurt.

So, why do I share this story?

Because in many cases of childhood trauma or adversity the resolution for the child doesn’t come quickly or even at all. For many who have experienced childhood trauma this occurrence is a repeated one. This story is told symbolically but can be re-framed through the eyes of the child capturing many themes of trauma as I share alternative endings.

Imagine firstly the parent in my story doesn’t inform her child not to run or come to her when she falls. How might the little girl have felt about herself?

Imagine now that the parent comes over but in her anger disciplines her daughter violently for falling over. How might the little girl have felt about herself?

Imagine the parent comes over but ignores her daughter’s cry for help. How might the little girl feel about herself?

Imagine both mum and daughter worry about the torn clothes following the fall and how dad might react to both of them. How might the little girl feel about herself?

What if I have assumed wrong and this wasn't mum at all but an older sister, relative or carer playing the role of mum. How might the little girl feel about herself?

What if, all these individual endings to my story didn’t just happen once but happened repeatedly no matter what the little girl did. Imagine this didn’t just take place in a park but took place at home. How might the little girl feel about herself growing up?

Childhood trauma exists in each of the endings I have given plus many, many more. Naturally, our conditioning in reading this is to possibly turn our attention to the parent to either attack or defend her in each scenario but let’s stay focused on the child.

I asked in each scenario, what the child may have felt, and sadly for a lot of us we may know the answers to these questions. I will also touch on many of the answers to these questions in future posts. For now, I encourage you for as long as you can to sit with the young girl’s view. However, if this causes distress or uncomfortable feelings then please know that I’m right here with you and I extend to you all the love and compassion I can muster.

I also suggest taking a bit of time away from this post and apply some self-care before returning. If you’re feeling these feelings on behalf of your own experiences or those that you care about then I encourage you to take the actions of the resolved ending I am about to give you.

Picture that little girl falling down crying. Mum runs over in a panic, catches herself angry and fearful of her poor helpless lovely little girl crying on the floor. The mum kneels down, slowly and gently helping her to her feet. Mum’s voice softens, looking at her in the eye and telling her it’s OK as she wipes the tears from her eyes. She tells her daughter calmly that it’s going to be OK and that she’s safe now while tending to her bumps and bruises. Mum then gently reminds her that she’ll do all she can to make sure that she’s safe. As the daughter’s tears begin to fade and the panting settles she tells her with a smile that she loves her. This is what compassion is.

To those of you who know people who didn’t have this ending to their childhood story, I encourage you to let them know they’re safe now in your presence. If you went through difficult experiences when you were younger then let yourself know in times of flashbacks, difficult or distressing feelings that you’re safe as you are right now. When I say safe, I mean valued, accepted and worthy of love and belonging. Compassion is the continual offering of 'safety' with the understanding that we may also find safety hard to receive. Gentle, kind and understanding words may need to be said more than once, perhaps every day in order to be accepted.

So in whichever place this finds you, keep empowering and reminding yourself and others of safety even when people, situations or that voice in your head I talked about in my previous post affects you.

I wish you courage, continuity, and compassion as you do.

Feel free to get in touch with me on my website. Email, call, or write a comment underneath this post if you’d like to talk about anything I’ve written about today. In the meantime, and always, take care of yourself.

Jonathan