Chapter 6: The Definition of Trauma

I was asked once if these blog posts were just about the inner child of an adult survivor.

In addition to the work I do on trauma, I counsel small children each week. I challenge myself daily to look at life through their eyes. I watch as children live through their personal horrors then go to school and either fight, flight or freeze their way through their days.

I watch as they communicate learned behaviour to either be the perpetrator or victim in order to survive. For those whose trauma had no perpetrator, I watch as these children disconnect from themselves or define themselves by the trauma they have lived through.

I sit in the powerlessness they all express and their longing for love and connection. Because that is what all children want - love and connection.

I watch as the children become teenagers. The definition of trauma takes hold and develops within them. The intensity and confusion of adolescence mix with the definition of trauma and becomes a metronome between the need for belonging and the need to fight or take flight.

Their behaviour becomes their communication as a form of their need for survival, while society defines their behaviour as delinquent or harmful. The misunderstanding of these teens, both externally from society and internally within themselves leads to risk-taking and segregation. Power becomes desired to combat helplessness as adulthood approaches. The feeling of power intensifies with greater intensity of behaviour that follows.

Drugs, sex, violence, and self-harm become destructive options to relieve or indulge in the internal suffering of their trauma.

I watch as the teenagers become adults. The definition of trauma resides within them. As an adult responsibility is obtained. This is added to the collection of needs belonging to the teenager they once were. Responsibilities such as housing, jobs, long-term partners and even children are added - sometimes in the hope that these will take away or soothe the trauma that lies within. But sometimes the opposite occurs. The coping mechanisms of the child and teenager are now embedded in the adult, which although harmful, become integral in taking on the responsibilities gained.

The need for security once felt in the child becomes the anxiety now experienced in the adult.

The need for love and connection felt in the teenager develops in the adult.

And if the trauma remains prevalent and embedded, it is then passed down to the children of the traumatised adult and the trauma continues through the child.

I define trauma as a single or continuous event leading to us being stuck in our own helplessness. Trauma can range from abuse and neglect to early experiences of grief. Trauma can come from a single accident or through long term illness. Trauma can come from all these things and more. Though we can remain stuck in trauma, the effects do not stay still and can ripple out to others and even be passed down to our offspring.

I write these blog posts to help understand the children who experience or carry trauma, the teenager finding their way and the adult managing both their own emotional needs and others. These posts aim to walk alongside all of you to help clearly define the impact of trauma and recognise the effects.

Trauma can sit inside all of us, terrify us, dehumanise us, isolate us and define us.

Through these posts and the stories I share I want you to know that you're not alone and that wherever you are in your journey, on the other side of trauma, is the love and connection you deserved to have from the very beginning.

Please feel free to comment underneath or get in touch through the details on my website if you want to share anything about what I’ve written. Find out more about me here if you’d like to but in the meantime, look after yourself!