Chapter 4: Ashamed To Be Myself

"If my shame was a boxing opponent I had to fight, I'd never enter the ring" Jonathan Estwick

Shame can be one of the hardest battles to fight internally. It's that ridicule when we make a mistake, that rejection when we put ourselves out there and that voice reminding us to meet the standards of our environment and everyone else around you.

Shame is relational and can show up often. Sometimes daily, even more than once daily. And it shows up in different ways. It can be a subtle internal voice or it can appear from others in our most significant relationships. Shame can feel like a never-ending battle.

It’s one of the hardest things to confront and accept. Often we can find it easier to hide, defend or transmit our shame onto others.

Shame feels horrible. It’s the physical feeling of repeated phrases like "I'm not good enough" or "I'm unlovable", and that hurts. It’s not surprising then that shame can be the byproduct of childhood trauma.

As a child, growing up was loving but difficult in South London where we lacked money or support. I was born an only child to a single parent and statistics would say that I was destined for a life of crime or addiction especially in the 90s where support was limited. We did well in the end but it was hard living to survive.

Though life for the most part was loving, my mum and I felt the pressure to get through our environment at times. When things were good, it was great but that survival pressure took its toll on the both of us from time to time. We couldn't fail or end up a statistic and so that weight of judgement reigned heavy on us. The pressure came in the form of discipline where the fear, shame, and anger from judgement was exchanged from mother to son. Survival for the both of us meant living to avoid failure or the judgement of others.

Punishment was often physical. In the short term, I was "beaten" to correct my behaviour and instil boundaries in me. And while that was the intention at the time, my mum and I didn't realise that there were long term implications to my self-worth, my relationships with others, and the extent of the shame and fear I carried with me following those moments.

I'm not here to debate physical discipline, I can only explain in my own way the impact this had on me as a child.

To not feel shame growing up, I would hide myself from sight. I would try to be perfect at everything, I would people please or I would grow incredibly defensive to everything that could make me feel shame. Every judgement I received, good or bad was defensively scrutinised, surprises and spotlight moments were avoided and I denied my feelings towards others. Doing this consistently only left me feeling lonely and if I'm honest, afraid.

Shame for me was the cage that kept my true self trapped in. Shame disconnected me from myself and others. It stopped others from knowing my vulnerability and authenticity. And it stopped me from liking myself.

The battle with shame continues on for me as an adult. It presents itself when I rarely ask for help or I'm put on the spot. It also exists as a bodily reaction in social moments as I start to feel incredibly warm when I am put on the spot. I call these “my spotlight moments”.

For my mum and I, we both had to work on ourselves individually and collectively. While we continue to have a loving relationship, we had to recover from those difficult times which took time. We had to forgive ourselves and put aside blame or shame. We had to learn compassion to begin to free ourselves from the shame of our past.

Shame exists in the story we tell of ourselves and how much we allow ourselves to be seen or heard.

I believe compassion is the internal freedom from shame. It’s the internal release of our true selves. Compassion means gentleness when you make a mistake, self-care over self-blame when things go wrong; and being unafraid to share your true self with another regardless of the outcome.

Learning and applying compassion is difficult for those who have experienced trauma just as difficult as finding forgiveness for what happened in that time of our lives. But it’s not impossible. Compassion with consistency and courage is important. In order for compassion to heal some of the psychological and emotional effects of trauma, it needs both courage and consistency to drive it.

• Courage - to battle those shameful messages with a smile, a kind word, or expressing your true authentic self in the face of doubt, ridicule or rejection.

• Consistency - To just keep going. Keep affirming yourself in every single moment before, during and after those shaming messages come up.

The battle with shame can be a constant one but it can also be a successful one. I wish you well in your fight.

Feel free to get in touch with me on my website. Email, call, or write a comment underneath this post if you’d like to talk about anything I’ve written about today. In the meantime, and always, take care of yourself.

Jonathan