Chapter 3: Communicating Authentically

“Before the truth can set you free you need to recognize which lie is holding you hostage”- Rachel Wolchin

I used to hear the same words repeatedly from different people which was that lying only makes things worse. This is funny because the child in me tries to encourage me to lie all the time. If you read my previous posts, avoidance is my go-to safety mechanism. And lying is a big part of this. I will attempt to convince myself that lying is best, simpler, and avoids upsetting others. Ultimately, I try to convince myself that lying will keep me safe from harm, rejection, and shame. With such strong instincts to lie, why do I go against them and choose not to lie?

Outside of my own childish resolve that lying is the safest thing to do, lying does so much more. It communicates that I am wrong, fearful, and distrustful. It breaks up relationships, creates defensiveness in others, and ironically it causes others to fear me. It continues to communicate the feelings I had as a child and therefore neither I nor the people I am lying to feel safe.

Why is honesty a part of trauma recovery?

I remember when I was younger, my car needed fixing quite regularly and so I asked a family friend to do it. He was a mechanic and so it made sense for him to do it rather than pay loads more to somebody I did not know. The downside to this was the lack of professionalism between us. He would fix my car and drive it around to run errands. I would notice this because of the distinct lack of petrol the car had when I got it back. Rather than talking it out with him, assert boundaries and address my concerns, I avoided it. When my car needed fixing again I turned to someone else to avoid the feelings I mentioned before in any possible confrontation we may have had. He found out and asked me about it and I lied. I told him I tried calling him but his number didn’t work. He told me he has never had issues with his phone. As soon as that happened, he caught me out. All the feelings of shame, fear, rejection (termination of friendship), and punishment returned. He and I have not spoken since.

"You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all." Maya Angelou

If the appeal of lying once upon a time was to survive feelings of shame, rejection and punishment, truth is the freedom from those feelings. If the desire for healing is to find a sense of belonging, identity, and worth, communicating authentically is a significant part of it. This is a difficult concept to grasp for many because of the importance lying previously had in their life to survive.

I have gone to a lot of trauma summits, workshops and seminars and this point often gets overlooked. A distinct part of healing is to safely connect a person back to the truth of themselves, but the focus is never on authentic communication as a key component to do it. Survival habits such as lying may offer temporary relief but still communicates a deeper message “my truth is not safe here”.

From Surviving to Living Free

It is too condescending for me to advise people on how to tell the truth. The difficulty is challenging the part of yourself that feels safer lying than telling the truth. This is where ‘Being the adult’ comes in.

• Look deeper as to what feelings and experiences are being avoided through lying. Tip: Reflect on how you felt when you were caught lying

• Offer self-compassion to those feelings as you begin to challenge the desire to avoid them

• Identify yourself as a vessel for safety through self-regulation

• Communicate your truth and (where possible) your reasons for lying

The biggest shift from trauma is moving away from focusing on the harmful reaction/treatment from others, to prioritising the trust you give to yourself, and how you communicate it to others. In a perfect world, everybody responds to boundaries and honest communication in the right way, but we do not live in a perfect world. The emphasis on ‘being the adult’ is choosing to be the most authentic and ‘good enough’ self you can be irrespective of how others may choose to respond.

There is no greater person to trust in than yourself, and no other person who can communicate that fact better than you.

Jonathan