'I got daddy issues, that's on me. Lookin' for, "I love you," rarely empathizing for my relief' ~ Kendrick Lamar
Neediness is something I struggle with. When I experience neediness in others there is a rejecting feeling in me. Whether I express it to others or not, the internal narrative I have is 'Be the one to depend on. Don't depend on others.' And while I can still sit and see the merit in this narrative, there is no avoiding the loneliness, disconnection, and vulnerability that comes with it.
Needing a father was something I struggled with when I was young. I struggled with it because for some reason I believed I did not need one. My dad was absent for a large part of my childhood years. I met him a few times when I was young, but I stopped contacting him for one reason or another. My resolve of not needing him was present then. All I needed was my mum I thought.
‘What use was a father to me when I’ve come so far without one?’
When I qualified to become a counsellor, the final feedback from my class tutor to me was that I would benefit greatly from seeing a male therapist. At the time I remember thinking ‘Why? Are they trying to say I’m not manly enough?!' This thought was shortly followed by 'What will I get from a male counsellor that a woman can't give me?!' I even received a male counsellor's phone number. I kept the number but did not call it for three years. The same narrative remained – ‘I don't need a man!’
When I think back to that narrative when I was younger, my understanding of it now is this. I needed you and you weren’t there. My resolve - I won't allow myself to feel that again. My inner childhood belief was that people aren't there when you need them. As I understood it, the fault wasn't that people weren't there, it was my fault that I needed them. It was my needs that they were rejecting. And so, I reject needs altogether.
It’s not that I don't have needs of my own, it’s that I feel ashamed for having them. The question remains, what did I need back then that I reject in myself and others now?
I read all these statistics on the impact of absent fathers on children and adolescents. The school dropout rates, incarceration, and early sexualised behaviour that are all associated with physical and/or emotionally absent fathers. I also include men who are present in a child’s life but do not contribute (or a detriment) to that child’s wellbeing. Could most of these young men and women be walking around with the same narrative I had, 'I don't need a man!'?
The presence of a man has been under- and overstated to the needs of a child. When it is overstated, it is often in the absence of a father. When it is understated, it can lead to the absence of one. If the narrative continues where fathers are not needed, the responsibility of men to the needs of children are downplayed.
When a man internalises his own lack of need, he will not understand the need others have of him. Therefore the responsibilities he has are not met but the significance of his irresponsibility becomes overstated. So, it is important to state its importance so that the value of men and fathers are met and the cycle discontinues.
It was Father’s Day recently and I listened to others talk about the importance of fathers. I heard that fathers offer values such as discipline, provision, play, principles, guidance, and respect. I asked my wife recently (who grew up with her father) on the importance of fathers. One of the answers she gave was security. This answer stood out to me as I'd not heard it before. I thought she solely meant physical security, but she also meant emotional. If a mother's role provides nurture, warmth, care, and everything in-between, a father provides security.
I needed security when I was younger, both in my identity and my self-assurance. The absence of my father meant that my male identity was absent. I looked for it both in my comparison and competition with other boys. I looked for it in my mother's needs and I looked for it in the presence of other fathers to their children. If I could be them, beat them, or meet them my male identity was confirmed. But my father's absence often meant I would fall short. Whether or not I was able to do it, it was never enough. Why? I had no security.
Through the formation of Being the Adult, it is important for both men and women to engage with the value of a man. The healthy adult that we must engage with to support the vulnerability of our inner child should contain the acceptance of both healthy paternal and maternal values. For us men, the paternal value supports our identity, our outlook, and attend to our responsibilities. For women, the values of the healthy male support the security of asserting boundaries, the security of self-acceptance, and the value of women. The response to traumatic triggers should involve the need to be present, assert boundaries, apply compassion, and empathise.
Now that I'm an adult, I recognise that it is not the neediness of others I find difficult, it is the times accepting my own childhood needs is difficult. In the end, I did call the male therapist and learned so much about my male identity through being in therapy with him. My father and I did form a good relationship in my adult years up until he died a few years ago. I was lucky enough to begin to understand what men offer which makes me a better man, husband, and coach. But I am still learning.
Although I'm not a father yet, I find myself leaning into my role and responsibility to be a secure base for others. The healing from the absence continues however, when I am the good enough secure base for myself - the child I once was. The child I can proudly say - needed a man.
*This is dedicated to the men and women figuring out the father role, the values of men and women, and to all whose childhoods were made painful by the actions (or lack thereof) the men in your lives did. Continue striving in your efforts to bring yourself much-needed security, value, safety, and identity. I am right there with you.
Jonathan
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