Chapter 2: Setting Boundaries

Listening to myself is sometimes hard. As I have mentioned before, inner criticism and anxious thoughts can consume the mind which makes trusting my decisions and the needs I have difficult. And so often it feels easier to listen to others, remain a victim of my inner criticisms or become the abuser.

I may give into the thoughts that I don’t deserve the things that I want or should have and do nothing, or aggressively demand or expect them from myself and others. There is an absence of something important which is boundaries.

I believe that the body is the first indicator of boundaries. No matter who I am talking to or whatever environment I am in, my body’s comfort or discomfort always determine my boundaries. The tricky bit is whether I listen to my body or not. Trauma taught me that the critic wins and so my body is not worth listening to, the critic is.

If my inner voice tells me to not stick up for myself then I am likely to go along with it. My inner critic will tell me if I say or do anything I may ruin the situation or end relationships. My inner critic forcibly reminds me that I need to keep people onside to make sure I stay safe. Any action that goes against it (no matter what my body feels) will land me in serious trouble. Therefore, things like external advice or perhaps overreacting save me from the critic. But funny enough, if I remain in discomfort, my critic will also tell me how much of a fraud, people pleasing and weak individual I am for not doing anything about it.

If I do something about it, it will tell me that I am selfish, unlikeable, and I hurt or offend people. It will even replay my old mistakes to keep me nice and ashamed. Like I said, if I remain bound to these messages then I remain the child on the receiving end of these messages and I won’t ever move forward. So, what should I do if I feel that the critic always wins?

Let’s start again. If I am uncomfortable, my body is telling me or reminding me that there is something about my current experience which has made me feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I can go into the child mode I expressed before where I am responding to critical thoughts and shame. But another way to understand them is that these thoughts are reinforcing that I do not feel comfortable. It is my call to action. There is a calling to my own present adult self to do something about it. Given all that I must contend with internally, I do two things: start small and test reality.

Starting small is a quick win response and I love these. They work by asserting small boundaries in moments that I take as little mini wins for myself. An example I use regularly now is saying words like “relax” or “it’s cool” to both myself and others in situations I consider to be heightened.

Notice how I use the words ‘I consider’ because it is my relationship with my levels of discomfort and not anyone else’s. When I say this, I feel great because I have communicated a boundary. If people calm down, then even better but I feel great because I did not stay silent, I responded to what was going on in the moment. Another one I use is a small step away.

There might be times when my body reacts to a person’s proximity. I might tell myself “Relax, it’s cool” but my body might still communicate discomfort through tensing up or going quiet. And so, I use opportunities to still engage with people, but I may take a step away. I take stock of these moments as simply setting boundaries that adhere to my comfort level. Now I can be in a relationship with another person or environment and feel good doing it.

When I notice these small wins, it builds trust in my ability to set boundaries consistently. This enables me to move onto more challenging boundaries.

Testing reality is a bit more difficult but feels incredible. One of the tactics of the inner critic (shameful or critical thoughts) is to make me feel that the most unrealistic reactions to me being myself will happen. And because I believe that the inner critic is always right, anxiety starts to kick in. But is the inner critic right or is it simply using a fear-based tactic to stop my call to action? This is where testing reality kicks in.

One of my favourite things to do with clients is to think with them about the healthy relationships they have and their own previous successes. When they are approaching a new challenge, testing reality is to hear the fears of the critic but balance them against the successes of the past and what they know of the relationship.

Raising concerns to a boss at work might elicit fears about being fired but then we think about what we know of this boss, the ability of the client to express themselves, and previous successes they’ve had doing this. Before long, the reality isn’t being fired. Reality is the numerous times they have previously raised concerns with people they know, the amount of times they have interacted with their boss, and their own ability to communicate their feelings. Despite what the critic will tell us, I find that the more we can own our successes and personality traits, the better we are at setting boundaries in our own individual way.

Give some thought as to what boundaries you could do quite easily and consistently. I am not perfect, and neither is anyone else. Please don’t beat yourself up if they are not consistent or don’t work to the level that you want them to. With consistency, compassion, and courage the results will come. Remember you are asserting steps towards being the adult. Give yourself credit for trying and speak with me if you need further assistance.

For those of you who are ready, the next step on from this is honest communication which I will talk about in the next chapter. But for now, try these two handy tips and let me know in the comments how you get on. In the meantime, as always, take care of yourself.

Jonathan